is back in Melbourne after another very successful foray in Hollywood,
LA, the city where dreams are dreamed and every sunny smile hides a megalomaniacal
narcissist. After makin’ love with a tonic and gin Supa-computer
was ready to tell me all about his adventures.
Thanks to the marvels of digital technology, Supa-computer – who
is a Collingwood six footer (i.e 5’ 9” in high heels) –
was miniaturised to play an important gadget on Batman’s utility
belt in Batman Returns. Get it out on DVD and use the zoom function to
see Supa-computer is wearing his trade-mark cravat. Nice one! On a less
pleasant note, Supa-computer was sacked from his gig as the refrigerator
in ‘Everybody loves Raymond’ after Ray Romano complained to
the producers that he was being upstaged by the crafty old thesp. (See
episode 367, for a great example: a cheeky wink from Supa-computer as
Ray acts as if he wants to have sex with his wife.)
Unfortunately Supa-computer’s exodus ended on a sour note when he
was turned down for the role of the super-villain’s control panel
in X-Men III on the grounds that he was too old. Youch! That hurt the
consummate professional who, only three years ago, was nominated for a
Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe for his role as a young bathroom cabinet
in the futuristic thriller, Minority Report.
After Supa-computer had made love to a few more tonic and gins I asked
the venerable old luvvie what were the five great roles he had auditioned
for and the roles he had actually played.
1. Lassie - There is no doubt that Supa-computer would have done
a superb job playing the loyal, loveable and courageous canine mute. Instead,
he made the best of his cameo as an abandoned shoe box.
2. From Here to Eternity – Supa-computer may not
have got the part of 1st Sergeant Milton Warden but he was Burt Lancaster’s
stand-in in the famous rolling around in the surf kissing Deborah Kerr
scene as Burt didn’t like to get his pubic hair wet.
3. Zoolander – Supa-computer was ready to branch
out and tackle a comic role and went after the role of Hansel like a man
possessed. With his traditional square-jawed Hollywood heart throb good
looks it would have been a terrific opportunity to subvert the stereotype.
Unfortunately the role went to Owen Wilson and Supa-computer was hired
to play a petrol bowser.
4. Star Wars - Luke Skywalker: Picture Supa-computer
at the controls of a speeding spaceship, cravat flying in the wind, pipe
clenched between teeth, raybans wrapped around ‘head’. It
was not to be, unfortunately, but Supa-computer brought dignity and pathos
to his non-performing role as Port-a-loo Number 7.
5. Possession – Nick Cave and Supa-computer are
both survivors of the late-seventies Melbourne punk scene and so Supa-computer
wasn’t surprised when The Artist gave him a call to see if wanted
to be involved in his new Project. SC turned up on set dressed in his
cowboy outfit but was crestfallen when he was directed to the Accounts
department where a financial guy immediately started inputting budget
figures. Supa-computer took things into in his own hands and swaggered
onto the set with two six shooters firing from his hips The crew burst
into spontaneous applause. Super-computer was immediately signed up to
play a stump and although it required hours of preparation in the make-up
room every morning no-one who has seen his virtuoso performance could
say it wasn’t time well spent.