'Out On The town With G. Roy Butler'

GREAT ROLES

Supa-computer is back in Melbourne after another very successful foray in Hollywood, LA, the city where dreams are dreamed and every sunny smile hides a megalomaniacal narcissist. After makin’ love with a tonic and gin Supa-computer was ready to tell me all about his adventures.

Thanks to the marvels of digital technology, Supa-computer – who is a Collingwood six footer (i.e 5’ 9” in high heels) – was miniaturised to play an important gadget on Batman’s utility belt in Batman Returns. Get it out on DVD and use the zoom function to see Supa-computer is wearing his trade-mark cravat. Nice one! On a less pleasant note, Supa-computer was sacked from his gig as the refrigerator in ‘Everybody loves Raymond’ after Ray Romano complained to the producers that he was being upstaged by the crafty old thesp. (See episode 367, for a great example: a cheeky wink from Supa-computer as Ray acts as if he wants to have sex with his wife.)

Unfortunately Supa-computer’s exodus ended on a sour note when he was turned down for the role of the super-villain’s control panel in X-Men III on the grounds that he was too old. Youch! That hurt the consummate professional who, only three years ago, was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe for his role as a young bathroom cabinet in the futuristic thriller, Minority Report.

After Supa-computer had made love to a few more tonic and gins I asked the venerable old luvvie what were the five great roles he had auditioned for and the roles he had actually played.

1. Lassie
- There is no doubt that Supa-computer would have done a superb job playing the loyal, loveable and courageous canine mute. Instead, he made the best of his cameo as an abandoned shoe box.

2. From Here to Eternity – Supa-computer may not have got the part of 1st Sergeant Milton Warden but he was Burt Lancaster’s stand-in in the famous rolling around in the surf kissing Deborah Kerr scene as Burt didn’t like to get his pubic hair wet.

3. Zoolander – Supa-computer was ready to branch out and tackle a comic role and went after the role of Hansel like a man possessed. With his traditional square-jawed Hollywood heart throb good looks it would have been a terrific opportunity to subvert the stereotype. Unfortunately the role went to Owen Wilson and Supa-computer was hired to play a petrol bowser.

4. Star Wars - Luke Skywalker: Picture Supa-computer at the controls of a speeding spaceship, cravat flying in the wind, pipe clenched between teeth, raybans wrapped around ‘head’. It was not to be, unfortunately, but Supa-computer brought dignity and pathos to his non-performing role as Port-a-loo Number 7.

5. Possession – Nick Cave and Supa-computer are both survivors of the late-seventies Melbourne punk scene and so Supa-computer wasn’t surprised when The Artist gave him a call to see if wanted to be involved in his new Project. SC turned up on set dressed in his cowboy outfit but was crestfallen when he was directed to the Accounts department where a financial guy immediately started inputting budget figures. Supa-computer took things into in his own hands and swaggered onto the set with two six shooters firing from his hips The crew burst into spontaneous applause. Super-computer was immediately signed up to play a stump and although it required hours of preparation in the make-up room every morning no-one who has seen his virtuoso performance could say it wasn’t time well spent.

ON THE TOWN ARCHIVES