'Out On The town With G. Roy Butler'

SMOKING

What hypocrites those diners are who start flapping their hands in front of their face at the first faint smell of smoke. Look what they’re eating! Smoked trout, smoked quails’ eggs, smoked sun-dried tomato risotto. When Supa-computer and I host a dinner party we insist that some of the smokers eat first and then blow smoke at us while we eat to enrich our culinary experience. Cigar and pipe smokers are particularly encouraged.

In the olden days actors could smoke on the silver screen and like all good things we thought it would go on for ever. How wrong we were! In 1969 Supa-computer auditioned for the part of The computer in ‘The computer wore tennis shoes’. Wearing his trademark cravat and smoking a cigarette Supa-computer went to method acting school for three months and emerged ready to play the part from the inside out. One industry insider who saw his screen tests described him as a cross between Marlon Brando and a washing machine – very cool. However, to their eternal shame, Disney refused to give the part to Supa-computer arguing that smoking set a bad example to children. Shame! Supa-computer wasn’t teaching children how to smoke, he was teaching them how to be cool – smoking was only a means to an end.

Reliving these events has sent Supa-computer into a dark place. I jollied him out of it by feeding him an algorithm that included an imbedded qualitative statement within an inverted one which was already imbedded in – no, mustn’t give away all our secrets! Anyway, the cheeky grin is back on his face as he names Five Bad Smokes.

Mum Smokes – Alternative rock bands might like to explore the dark side but the name of this band is not funny considering the tragic death of Supa-computer’s mother after a power surge burned her from the inside out (she was not method acting at the time). Tasteless.

Smoke on the water – Supa-computer was in the room recently when my 11 year old daughter wandered in, picked up my axe and started hammering out the riff to ‘Smoke on the water’. I squealed along excitedly. Supa-computer shuffled out of the room blushing.

Walt Disney – Ummm I’m not sure about this one Supa-computer. Do you know for a fact that Mr Disney smoked ‘erb . . . through his, erm . . . back passage?
Smokie – Smokie were the Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds of the seventies – only with better haircuts.

Nick Cave
(smoke and mirrors) – I was recently given the lyrics of ‘Into my arms’ and told to sing them. I sang the sentimental hogwash remembering to shut my eyes and look soulful and then faxed them through to my dear friend, Celine Dion, who will really know what to do with them (An exclusive Diva brand of printed toilet paper perhaps?)

ON THE TOWN ARCHIVES