'Out On The town With G. Roy Butler'


Last night as I wandered the streets of Old Melbourne Town I mused on the notion of cool. I saw many youngsters on my travels and some of them wore baggy pants and some of them wore hipster jeans so tight the poor dears could barely walk. One lad smoked a cigarette but he was wearing a white tracksuit so it doesn’t count. How one carries one’s self is very important to cool. For example, waddling is not cool (hence, no ducks in the pantheon of cool) and nor is striding swiftly with head thrust forward and hands clasped behind the back (thus excluding my 3rd grade teacher, Mr Heinz). Wearing something on your head can be cool – top hat, trilby – or very uncool – baseball cap, bandana. Some think cool is a classic look like blue Levis and a white T-shirt. That’s fine if you’re picturing James Dean but what if you slip John Howard into that gear. Is it still cool? There are no set rules but, based on a complex algorithm I cannot possibly divulge, I fed some data into the Flywheel Supacomputer and came up with this ultimate cool top five.

1. The Fonz – Aaaaaaay! Who else? Supacomputer comes up trumps with the number one.
2. Howard Jones – Bit of a surprise, but no argument there as Supacomputer gives thumbs up to eighties popster.
3. Basil Brush – Great call, Supacomputer! Glove puppets are supacool and Brush is the coolest of all, particularly when he puts on his shades.
4. Nick Cave – Mmmmm? Supacomputer has inexplicably put a washed-up Goth poseur in the top 5.
5. Harold Bishop – Supacomputer gets back on track with a terrific number five. Neighbours’ curmudgeonly heart throb is still doing the business after two decades at the top of the cool charts.